Thursday, January 28, 2010

Food Baby Recipe.

Step One. Develop an atmosphere of guilt. A food baby requires angst and lost expectations to grow and thrive. Set an impossible weight loss goal. Tell yourself you'll lose twenty pounds in two weeks. Other suggestions: book a trip to Hawaii one month from now and buy a bikini intended for someone no bigger than Kelly Ripa; announce to all your Facebook friends (i.e., people that vaguely remember you from high school) that you're training for a 1/2 marathon this spring.

Step Two. Start your diet in late November. Hang tight for one week, than indulge to reap the benefits of tryptophan. Let the good times roll through New Years with drinks made with eggs, cream and whiskey.  Oyster stew can't hurt.

Step Three: Make minimal effort in early January to choke the baby of nutrients. Make big black "X's" on your calendar to mark the days you avoided sweets. Build guilt atmosphere lamenting over dearth of X's.

Step Four: One week before girls' trip, start training for increased food consumption on said trip. Opt for chips at the Mexican restaurant, accept all alcohol when offered, and insist on bread with every meal. Pick up chalky Valentine conversation hearts to keep in the car to bribe kids to buckle up.  Eat hearts by the handful.

Step Five. Go hog wild on girls' trip.

Step Six. Upon your return, while Hub is away on his own trip, immediately buy all frozen food you can stuff in and around the children riding in your grocery cart. Some options include: Asian Sensations Eggrolls and Great Gourmet Buffalo Clam Strips.

Step Seven. Alone at night, while children blissfully snooze, make a half batch of easy chewy vanilla cookie dough. Eat half the dough with wine and American Idol. Bake the rest for when Project Runway airs.

Step Eight. Lay down to sleep, fat and happy. Vow never to set foot on a scale again. Pat your food baby and count empire waist tops in your closet as blessings.


mom2three said...

well now Im starving!!! that was the funniest thing ever especially because I am dieting and margaritas and bread sound so yummy!
Thanks for the laugh!

Amy said...

Love that! I just polished off a huge glass of choco milk & still have one last salted caramel from the trip that I might have to eat, despite the fact that I already promised it to my husband. Oh well!

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

That's funny. I love the steps. I'm always trying to get back on the wagon.

I love the Kelly Ripa line...she is crazy thin! I just look at her in amazement worried that she's going to break!

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

I forgot to tell you...I love your occupation description on your blog profile. Can I steal it? That's exactly how I would describe my occupation also!


Ruth Branson said...

OK, you totally crack me up Kristina - your sense of humour makes for great reading!

Still want to hear more about the girls' weekend, though I'm guessing that massive food consumption constituted a bit chunk of it! Hope it was delish.


Kirsten said...

This sounds very familiar.

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