Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Unsolicited advice.

There are a few reasons why I am a Very Important Person Around Here. Indispensible really. And as I prepare for a no precious ones, is that my cell phone ringing, no it must be yours, GIRLS ONLY trip away this weekend plus Monday, I've made a survival list of sorts for Hub. No need to put it on note paper, something so vulnerable to crumpling or becoming a sticker medium. No, best to bark my insights at Hub in the days preceding my departure. In the end, I'm sure he'll appreciate the lack of formality. Below are my thoughts for the beginning of the day:

     1) Try to wake up 30 minutes later than you really should for preschool pick-up. Then use the time crunch to motivate precious foot dragger to HURRY and get dressed because HURRY eat your dry cereal and HURRY, the van's already here! GO! GO! GO!

     2) Never allow the children to venture beyond the bedroom/bathroom region of the home until after they have shed their pajamas and put on their real clothes. Bonus points for teeth and hair brushing. Otherwise, it might as well be a Night at the Museum and you won't be able rally to get out of the house until past noon.

     3) While the skin and bones two year old enjoys his tall warm one in the morning (I know, I know - kill me - T still gets a bottle a day), try to encourage him to enjoy the comforts of his crib - bars and all - until he has a "poo poo."  One huge diaper with coffee and the paper is plenty.

     4) On the way out to the car to begin the day's activities, threaten to withhold, douse with dishwashing soap, and SOAK all treats the children hoped of receiving that day if they even think about stomping in the three inch lake of a puddle in front of the garage door.

     5) After escorting the children to the car, but before going back to the house for your three additional loads, buckle all children securely in their car seats. I repeat, BUCKLE ALL CHILDREN in their car seats. This will prevent the random alley get away, tissue snow storm in the car, and will provide for a slice of accomplishment for you to enjoy as you walk back to the house for the baby. Oh, and don't forget the BABY!

When I return home from my weekend of wining, whining, dining and mostly SLEEPING, I'll be sure to reward him by accidentally cutting his pork chop into toddler portions because this hand with a knife is LIGHTNING fast. He might also have to watch the kids a little bit because I'll be suffering from withdrawal from my new found blog addiction.

If you're worrying about Hub right now, please don't. The marriage is intact and he's leaving for his own LA LA LA LA I can't hear you, I'm skiing in Colorado two days LONGER than yours trip, next Wednesday. So nanny nanny boo boo. He should say boo hoo. Five days and nights by myself with the kids? Yikes! Cry me a river, I know.


mom2three said...

I am so jealous right now of your weekend away...its been 6 years since I have had anything like that. I do playdates and lunchdates...I have got to join your club!
I don't know if I could go away though I think the whole time I would be worried about something happening to the kids or the house.

My 2 year old still hasn't kicked the bottle yet either, my excuse is that he is my last baby and for some strange reason he is different than my other 2 because with the older 2 I just threw them out...I just can't seem to do it with him.

Amy said...

Good luck to all the hubbies! :)

Ruth Branson said...

OK, your post's a scream!

Have an awesome weekend away Kristina!!


Gibby said...

This has me laughing...I left a four page "note" for my hubs when I went on a girls weekend last fall. It took me forever to write it. Turns out, he never even read it.

anymommy said...

You are so funny. I know from those cell phone calls that he survived. And I never saw anything cuter than him waiting for you at the door with the baby ;-)

Thank you for that soul recharging weekend!

Babe in Babeland said...

You are hilarious!! How was the weekend?? I hope it was AMAZING!! You deserve it!

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